Post by noelle ryan. on Jul 24, 2008 0:38:24 GMT -5
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[/size]Cause I'm comin' home,
I'm comin' home,
*[/size] rudiments - - - - - [/blockquote][/right]
hello, the name's, noelle izabel ryan
but people tend to call me, noellers, noe, elle, ellers, ellery, n, noelley. whatever floats your boat, really.
I turned , twenty-one
on , december twentieth
so that means I've been attending, fidm
when the days over i like me some , boyzz
[/color][/font][/size]I've seen a palace in London,
I've seen a castle in Wales,
*[/size] skin deep - - - - - [/blockquote][/right]
[/i][/size][/color][/ul][/font]
well, my hair is, chestnut
and I love my eyes, they're, caramel brown
and my skin colors this really cool, snow white in the winter, and lightly tanned in the summer
mainly because I'm , german and italian
I measure up to , five foot three inches
no Seattle Sutton's for me ! the scale says , one hundred six pounds
but it's kind of cool that I have , a birthmark on her upper arm, various freckles across her cheeks and nose, and a freckle on her bootayy.
and my style blows yours away , as far as noelle is concerned, you should dress classy wherever you go. when she is just relaxing, she likes going out with a regular tshirt or tank on, and in the past she has been really addicted to fashionable scarves. noelle lives for shopping and she spends thousands each month on clothes. it's a good thing her parents are wealthy or she wouldn't be able to shop for dresses or most importantly, sunglasses.
so over - all , Miserable and stunning. She's both miserable personality-wise, though beautiful and gorgeous when it comes to the physical things. Her mother was a gorgeous brunette that attracted men like magnets. She had an hourglass figure and she seemed to dance when she moved. Jeffrey was quite different, however. He was awkward, thin as a twig, with jet black hair, and he was a rebel. The odd couple, fortunately, had two beautiful children, and while the always pale Jeffrey wouldn't ever be seen as the plausible man to help produce such a pretty female, he did, no matter how little a part he played in his daughters' lives.
Noelle loves her hair. It is by far her favorite part of her facet. Unlike Jeffrey's jet black locks, she inherited her mother's soft, chocolate copper colored, hair. It's naturally wavy, though you'll occasionally see her straighten it, depending on whether the occasion is formal or not. Usually, she tends to just throw it up into a messy updo or let it hang loosely upon her thin shoulders, so that her collarbone doesn't stick out awkwardly against her slightly bronzed skin. She's always preferred to keep it at a longer length, as she truly hates the look of short or even medium-lengthed hair on her. In her opinion, it's always looked horrible, as it does on her mother, in her opinion, though she wouldn't ever tell Della that.
Noelle's natural color is a dark brunette, and she usually tends to keep it that color, though she has been known to dye it a lighter brunette, and she went through most of her younger teen years with highlighted brown hair or the occasional blonde, but that's very occasional and a rarity to see. She prefers to be natural in her looks and therefore doesn't wear much makeup, either, except from the mascara and eyeshadow.
With wide, chestnut brown doll-like eyes, she's always been easy on the eyes. They tend to widen even more, if it's possible, when she's surprised or happy, and she also has the tendency to give a flirtacious look though not knowing it. She's rather misleading with her looks and expressions and this is hardly a good thing. It tends to get her into trouble with guys and into situations that might not be able to get out of. Still, her eyes are very pretty, and they're usually the first things that attract someone to her, despite her often soft and misleading first-impression.
Pale as snow in the winter, relatively tan in the summer, that's how Noelle's skin has always been. Living in Australia, her skin had been a light chestnut color a large portion of the year, as she spent most of her days outdoors instead of inside. She would spend them either lounging around on the small cove that was hidden away behind a tall hill near her home, sitting on the beach where most teens flocked to, or she was just doing something outside, but despite what it was, she was always colored very quickly. The thing about Noelle is that she doesn't really tan all that well. First, for the first or second day after being outside or in a tanning booth, she'll be beet red and make an effort to stay inside that day until the next, where her skin would've turned a darker, smooth color, showing no hints of red anywhere. Lately, as in the past few years, she's been staying out of the sun most of the time. Apart from taking a walk to and from her office or going out with a few friends during the day, she tends to keep her skin pale, though whether this is from her constantly decreasing body weight or not, no one's quite sure.
Noelle has always been relatively short. Jeffrey is a rather tall guy, being 6'3" at the age of forty-seven. He's always been tall, and Della stood at 5'7", relatively tall for a woman. While both of her parents and sister are tall, though, she's always been the shorter one in the family. Standing at 5'3", nearly a half inch shorter than her sister, Harper and four inches shorter than her mother, you could definitely call her the runt of the family, not to mention that she'd had a minor heart tremor as a newborn and was born nearly a month prematurely due to constant stress on her mother from herself.
Her weight has always been debatable. She's always been rail thin, always under a hundred and twenty pounds, except for her pregnancy. She did have an eating disorder at one time, and it was something that went on for about two and a half consecutive years. Eventually, she got treatment for it, though only after her parents really cared to take a deep interest in it. After going through months and months of rehabilitation, she finally gained back a fair amount of weight, and she wasn't eh scrawny, 80 pound, anorexic that she'd once been, fortunately. She's noted how horrible she looked when she'd gone through that phase, and would do anything to change it. So currently, she weighs approximately 106 pounds, give or take a few.
Never in her life, has Noelle been athletic. Never in her life has she stuck with a sport or any hobby, really, other than designing clothes and shopping. Sports have never been something Noelle enjoys, and being cursed with the ability to switch hobbies in a matter of minutes, nothing ever really gains her attention other than keeping her food portions to the minimum of half a sandwich for lunch and a salad for dinner, no breakfast. It's easy to assume that Noelle's not built for sports or fitness and she truly isn't. Any type of activity that forces an execretion of physical activity and sweat from her frail and rail-thin body is something that she truly dreads. Of course, she does go to the gym. Often, she'll find ways to avoid eating out with people, just because she hates the looks given to her when she orders the smallest dish or eats only a quarter or less of what is given to her. Physical appearance is incredibly important to her, but what she doesn't realize is how unappealing she looks to others.
First impressions have always been a great friend of the petite brunette's. She's always been fabulously genial and welcoming to people who do not know her, and even if the show is somewhat faux, you can never tell. Over the years, Miss Ryan has become a fabulous liar. With her award-winning smile and innocent doe eyes, Noelle can come off however she wants to, and this really does come in handy. Of course, her first impression can be misleading as well. Judging by appearance, most would say that she's not happy with herself, that she hates her life and the people in it, just because of how frail her physique seems to get at every occasion. While half of this is true, the other is not. She loves her life, and the people in it. However, she's not happy with herself, though upon getting to actually know her, this is really quite easy to see and infer without hesitation.
but people say I look like , rachel bilson
[/blockquote]
[/size]but I'd rather wake up beside you
and breathe that ol' familiar smell,
*[/size] personage - - - - - [/blockquote][/right]
[/i][/size][/color] because, i don't let many things get to me.
I love, guys , friends , laughing , shopping , smiling , margaritas , night time , television , music , nordstrom , pizza , hanging out , parties , talking , IMing , dogs , fashion magazines , coffee , chewing gum , pepsi , my kids .
but I really despise, cockiness , arrogance , vanity , poker , asparagus , fish & fishing , bubblegum smacking , taxes , snobs , over-the-top prudes , dirt , feeling overweight, excessive weight , working out , people worrying over me , closing up , venting frustration.
I personally think I'm pretty good at, overusing the word 'fine' , making things seem okay , buying clothes , talking about odd things , showing that i care about someone , flipping through magazines , having a consistent smile on my face , ruining food .
though I should really work on , keeping myself at a healthy weight , to open up to people and consider commitment for the future , be less shy in person ! , work on being as perfect as possible, obviously .
people tend to tell me I'm ,
saccharine[/font] because, i'm nice, whether i hate you or not, apparently ! i don't like having enemies, so i prefer to be nice above everything else.
cautious[/font] because, i usually think something through five million times before i go and actually do it. [/ul][/font]
but basically, I'm ,
liar[/i] ,[/blockquote]
description.
friendly[/i] ,[/blockquote]
description
regretful[/i] ,[/blockquote]
description
cheerful[/i] ,[/blockquote]
description
quirky[/i] ,[/blockquote]
description
pessimistic[/i] ,[/blockquote]
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optimistic[/i] ,[/blockquote]
description
[/blockquote]
[/size]I never thought you could leave me,
I figured I was the one ,
*[/size] background story - - - - - [/blockquote][/right]
[/b]? [/ul]
I came from, sydney, australia
well my father .. ,
coming in at , forty-six
he supported us by , renowned architect and upcoming movie director.
all in all, he's pretty , quiet. the guy doesn't talk much, and not hardly at all to me.[/ul]
onto my mother ,
coming in at , forty-five
she helped too, by , fashion designer and oil heir
in the end she's quite , the polar opposite of my father.[/ul]
and then they had kids ,
then it was time for my own ,
and my one and only pet , dog, who i call dog.
the love life , had a year long relationship with her australian boyfriend, jayce porter when she was fifteen, but it didn't last. she then fell in love with carver james and their relationship lasted on and off throughout their high school years. they married soon after graduating and noelle got pregnant with their third child, who then died, tearing their marriage at the seams. they divorce and preferred to stay out of touch, only talking to each other when needed. noelle moved on, or what she liked to think was moving on, and got involved in a short lived relationship with her best guy friend, leo mancini. she broke things off when carver came back to town, not quite sure where anything fit together anymore.
& the good and the bad, December 20, 1986. It was 6 AM, on a Thursday, that the two Ryan twins were born. Coming from Italian and German heritage, the two were beautiful from the start, not to mention destined for greatness. Coming from an extremely wealthy family, as Jeffrey Ryan was a popular architect who brought in millions each year, and as their mother was an heir to the John D. Rockefeller oil company. It was easy to say that the world knew who they were, and that they'd pretty much carved their names into the wall of fame. Della Mosse had been Hollywood's starlet socialite, dabbling in acting, modeling, and many [illegal] things. When the world had heard that she was marrying, and changing her name, it was very surprising. Her fiancé, a tall, lean, handsome young nobody by the name of Jeffrey Ryan gained instant popularity, for his good looks, and also because of the fact that he was going to be the luckiest man in the world. While Della was much like an earlier Paris Hilton of the times, she was not nearly as reckless or what some people called stupid and idiotic. She'd always been a nice girl, signing autographs when asked to, and meeting her fans with a welcoming smile. She'd yet to become an arrogant, vain, hollywood star, though eventually, this would be her calling. When the two were married, they were Hollywood's new young couple. The two slender statures were noticeable anywhere, as the two had looks that were different than any other famed couple, not to mention that the two were truly happy with each other. Within two years of their perfect marriage, Della became pregnant. The news hit the public like a flood. Throughout the city of Hollywood, California, not to mention all the other major cities in the US, the news buzzed from person to person. If you thought this was a major event, the news nearly 7 months later that she'd gone through labor, late at night on December 19, and that she'd given birth to twins, was even bigger news. As you can imagine, the birth of her two baby girls caused Della to slow down on the excessive amount of partying and drinking that she had done before pregnancy.
Whilst raising her kids to be the daughters she'd always wanted, she chose the path as a fashion designer, and she excelled greatly in it. People saw her fashions as new, mod, and immediately bought her clothes, perfume, bags, whatever she had for sale, not to mention that her last name made people want to buy. She'd always lived in the limelight, and while she'd wanted to take a break from it, to just work with fashion and her kids, but her change in careers just brought on more fame and fortune for the family of four. Due to the excessive popularity of her clothes, and just her family in general, Della began to become quite full of herself, and she began acting just as any other stuck-up Hollywood star would. She basked in the limelight, posing for any lurking paparazzi that wanted a snapshot of her. As she became more and more like everyone else, a gap formed between her and her family. This hurt Noelle the most, seeing as she'd always been much closer to Della than Harper had been. Her mother was rarely home, and when she was, she was holed up in her office, trying to increase the fortune behind the Ryans' name. She said that it was for 'her and Harper's own good', stating that they'd need it for when she and Jeffrey were gone. Noelle was young, only three or four at the time, and being this young in age, she didn't see the importance of it. When Jeffrey finally brought it to Della's attention that she was spending too much of her time at work and not enough at home with the family, they up and moved to Sydney, Australia. It was a major culture shock for the two girls, as they'd moved away from all the little friends they'd known since they were too young to speak. Della settled herself in at a new office, still continuing to work on her fashion designing, though she spent far more time at home than she had while they'd lived in California.
Due to this, Noelle grew up with her mother watching over her all the time. She disliked this at many times during her life, though she learned to live with it and that she was never going to be able to do anything about it. Her mother always seemed to favor her more, which she learned to dislike more and more as she got older. Sure, she loved her mom dearly, but she got to be more and more of a pain in the butt the older she got. Noelle learned to pull away more than she had before, and therefore, a cold spot formed between her and Della, though more on Noelle's side than her mother's. Della kept up the harcore, though mostly just annoying, parenting habits, calling her daughter up whenever she didn't come home at her normal time, and to be completely honest, she got to be extremely overwhelming and stressed Noelle out more than she already was. Because of this, she chose to stay away from her house, making up excuses as to why she couldn't come home right away. This caused her to grow away from her mother, and due to this, Della enlisted her in modeling. Noelle wasn't exactly thrilled about this sudden surprise, though she didn't dare raise her voice against her mother's. What Della decided was the final say, and it seemed as though no one else had any choice when it came down to what Della wanted. That was the way it was, and had always been, and unfortunately, there was no stopping the family "tradition". While she excelled at modeling, with her fair features, and high fashion appearance, Noelle absolutely hated it, considering it to be more of a chore and a hassle rather than something she actually enjoyed. Still, unfortunately for her, she got calls left and right, and her mother insisted that she start working for her fashion line as a child model. Noelle accepted the request, though when it came from between her mother's pearly lips, it was more of a declaration, and began the steep climb upwards into fame.
Of course, there is only so much fame that a seven year-old can get and handle, and Noelle was at the end of her rope. By the time she was thirteen, she'd about had enough of the seemingly endless torture of having to lose weight, and then having to gain it all back because she was too thin for her own good. It was an extreme pain in the ass, and finally, she told her mother that she was through. Della, of course, protested, and held a grudge against her daughter for it, hell, she still holds it against her. Still, within a year of poking and prodding, trying to hint to her daughter how much better off she would be modeling, she quit trying. Instead, she insisted Noelle take up a different hobby. Softball was the oh so lucky choice. The sport and its practices were everything that Noelle hated. You see, Noelle had never been gifted with sports, as she was rather clumsy, awkward with her petite frame. Although closer to the ground than most people, she was the worst player on her team, and the coach nearly begged her to drop out after she hadn't improved at all after a season. To save her team the humiliation she'd caused herself, she did drop out, much to her mother's dismay. This nearly sent Della over the edge, though she regained a fair amount of composure, and happiness, after Noelle agreed to go back to modeling, hoping for something a little different than last time. Her mother got her another agent, one that was much better than the last, and he got her into modeling for popular brands such as Lulu, As U Wish, and Coco and Chase. Though it definitely wasn't one of Noelle's favorite hobbies, she learned to deal.
When she was fifteen, she made the horrible mistake of moving to New York City. It was complete hell for her. She'd decided to live with her aunt for a while, just to get away from home. Boarding school in the Upper East Side wasn't exactly a piece of pie, and so when she begged her parents to have her back home, they agreed with open arms. Upon returning to Sydney, it appeared that Noelle had lost a fair amount of weight, as she was rail thin, and sickly looking. She was slightly sallow, and appeared to be tired with every move she made. Still, her mother was so extremely happy to have her back home, she nearly crushed Noelle's bones from the force of the hug. You see, while in New York, continuing to model, Noelle had developed anorexia, though she hadn't really noticed at the time. When her mother finally took note of it, the night they got back home to their home in Sydney, Noelle denied the accusations angrily, and stomped up into her bedroom. In fact, to herself, she appeared overweight, and she began the steady decline, digging herself a hole that she very nearly got stuck in.
When she returned to her high school, she met him. Jayce Porter, a year older than her, the gorgeous, popular, sweetheart that was everybody's best friend. She fell in love with him, nearly instantly. Though not love at first sight, the two grew to be best friends, and then boyfriend and girlfriend. She was desperately in love with him, smitten beyond relief. Her anorexia stopped, and she gained back a fair amount of weight, though only from the constant worries of Jayce. She did anything to please him, and she loved him nearly as much as he loved her. They lived in ignorant bliss, as if nothing could hurt them. Their relationship was known throughout the high school, and people were envious. Still, not everything was perfect. With the news of her grandfather's death, she relapsed back into her anorexic stage, choosing to ignore Jayce's prodding phone calls every five minutes. Of course, he cared. She realized this, though their relationship strained. By the time she was sixteen and a half, nearing the age of seventeen, she realized that maybe, Jayce wasn't the one for her. When she found out that he'd be moving from Cairns, however, she nearly had a heart attack. She was in a despondent state for what seemed like a year, though in reality, it was only a few months. The two kept in contact, though Noelle was always distanced, so that she wouldn't be able to get hurt by him once again. Her anorexic state increased to be so bad, that she got down to 80 pounds. This is when her mother decided to put her into rehab. She reluctantly went, not understanding how her mother could believe that she would stop eating purposely. She was treated within a year, though this was because she was constantly in and out again, when she was acting as though she didn't care anymore.
Della just never seemed to understand. She'd had just about enough with Noelle. Sending her off to The Blair Academy at the beginning of her second half of her junior year seemed to be cue for failure in Noelle's eyes. Beginning a new school and being transferred from one continent to a whole different one didn't seem as appealing to Noelle as it did to Della. The smooth transition proved to be only relatively difficult and in fact, she seemed to enjoy the new academy, the school that her mother and before that, her grandparents had attended, met at, and fell in love at. The place had history in her family, and her grandfather being on the board of admissions, Noelle was admitted to the school with ease, Samuel making sure that the transition was as easy as possible for the petite female. During the duration of the year and a half that she attended The Blair Academy, she was truly sure that it was her best experience. She traded in her more reserved personality for one that was more open to things that she had not been comfortable with before and it proved to be a good thing in the end. She met Carver James in her junior year, not long after she moved. The two started dating, though it didn't mean much to Noelle at first. He was the rebound relationship after Jayce, at least, that was the plan. They broke up shortly after Carver's brother died, but lots of things can happen due to an aim thread a year later, as their relationship proves. They started dating again and Noelle fell very much in love with him. She hadn't had very many relationships, but this, by far, was the most important that she'd ever experienced. When she was seventeen, she discovered that she was pregnant. With two kids. Carver stuck with her, through all the meaningless fights and quarrels they had daily. However, while she was pregnant, he developed cancer. He kept it from her for quite a while until he finally came out and told her the truth. She was completely devastated. She had always struggled with keeping his smoking under control, as he did smoke too much, whether it was weed or a regular cigarette. For a while, he got better, and after his life-threatening surgery, Noelle thought he was doing better. She didn't see him much after the birth of her kids, but she didn't take it too personally. She was busy, and he was busy getting better, and that was good enough for her. However, her interpretation of life completely changed on june 5, 2004. She received a call from the hospital, telling her that Carver James had died an hour before from cancer difficulties. Cue mental breakdown. She didn't cry except for when she walked into the hospital and saw him laying in the morgue, dead. She didn't cry and she didn't remain happy. She pretended, always pretending. It was her expertise, and she could've been an actress if she really tried. She wasn't fine, and while she always said she was, she was so far from it, it was extremely unamusing. Still, she managed to keep her mind off of it, almost fooling even herself into believing that fine meant sleeping hardly at all at night, or wanting desperately to crawl into a hole and never come out.
During the summer of her senior year, things changed quite a bit for her. Turns out Carver wasn't dead after all. After a lie on his father's side, Noelle was told to believe he was when he was really residing in New York. She took some time to get used to it again, trying to open up as easily as possible, though this was a bit difficult just because she was trying to find it in her to trust him again.
By the end of their senior year, the two seemed destined to be at least one of the high school couples that had stayed together despite all their differences and their constant bickering over the smallest things. Noelle graduated with him, happily, and in love. Several months after graduating, Carver proposed. It was the happiest night that she could ever imagine. She didn't even care that only minutes prior, she had spilled soda down her brand new Chanel dress. Her wedding was everything she could have imagined. Only three months after the proposal, the two were married. It was spring, and Noelle and her mother, and Harper had planned to decorate everything in a sheet of white. it was not an over the top wedding. The only people in attendance were Noelle's close, imediate family and Carver's mother and sisters. She hadn't wanted it to be big, small and simple had always been her image for the most perfect wedding that she could have. Things went well, and the night ended without too much hassle. Their two week honeymoon went smoothly, and they were scheduled to stay on it for another week, though the two missed their kids and decided to cut the trip short. Things were going well for Mr. and Mrs. James. Soon after their honeymoon, however, Noelle began feeling sick and uncharacteristically hungry, even for her. She knew what was going on before she even scheduled a doctor's appointment. The doctor confirmed her thoughts after the appointment. She was pregnant, again. She wasn't sure how to feel about it. She had only wanted two children, and an only child wouldn't have been too bad either. But three? Carver, however, as with the twins, changed her mind, convincing her that things would be fine.
Seven and a half months later, Ryder Dominick James was born, two weeks early but healthy. Both parents deeply adored the baby boy, and the baby had almost a magnetic pull to him, drawing all the people he loved close to him whenever they were in reach. However, despite the complete happiness, a slight strain was put on the otherwise happy marriage, just from the addition of a brand new baby into the family. Within six months, however, things seemed to slow down a bit. The family adjusted to the new baby and learned to deal with a pair of twins with a newborn on top of it. When Ryder was nearing his first birthday, the possibility of a boutique caught Noelle off guard. Her and a couple people had talked about it before, but she had not expected it to happen so soon. She was on the phone constantly, or drawing designs that she would then be able to sew. Noelle was easily frustrated, and her temper became rather short, causing the once endless arguing between Carver and Noelle to come to a start again. Ryder's first birthday came and went with a large celebration and a month afterwards, while she was on bed duty, she was busy whispering quickly into the phone to her mother as she laid the already fast asleep baby into his crib. Noelle laid him on top of a small pillow, believing that by now, it couldn't possibly pose as a threat to the baby. She then went downstairs, hanging up with Della, following through with her nightly routine of checking her e-mail and then proceeding to watch television and play a usual game of tug-of-war with Dog. Carver was out of town, and it wasn't unusual, as he was interning with the governor of New York at the moment. An hour later, she walked slowly up the stairs, both sleepy twins walking silently in front of her. She was exhausted, but it was a familiar feeling by now, and so she simply chose to ignore it. Before heading to bed, she checked in on the baby, listening to the soft breathing that she was accustomed to hearing every night. She craned her neck farther into the room when she didn't hear it. Her heart pounding, she walked into the room, hands shaking violently. She gripped the side of the crib, whispering Ryder's name softly. She pulled the limp baby out of the crib, holding him tight against her chest. "Wake up," she cooed softly into his ear, though the whisper was more strained and hoarse than soothing. When Ryder didn't react, she called 911, hands shaking uncontrollably as she cried into the phone. The ambulance was there within twenty minutes, and they carted the baby off to the hospital, Noelle, Ava, and Julian following quickly behind in Noelle's RX Hybrid.
After the baby was pronounced dead, things changed completely, though it was to be expected. She couldn't look at herself, knowing that it was her fault in the first place. Carver could not look at her either, and they filed for a divorce soon after. They attempted a fix at their broken marriage, but it ended without problems. Neither one of the two had any desire to stay together, knowing it would just hurt the two things they cared about most. Carver took Ava and Julian for the first few months. This helped Noelle in the sense that her therapist was able to plant some sense of security in her head, but the truth was that she missed the twins to death. Even after Noelle was finally getting a hold on things and she told Carver she wanted to see them, he had a difficult time trusting her. She didn't blame him. She had taken away one of the things he loved more, and it was unforgivable. The two kept out of contact as much as possibly, Noelle falling into random bouts of depression, only to force herself to spring back from them. Eventually, she just decided to keep her baby in the very back of her mind, a dusty crevice that she wouldn't have to think of very often. She focused on getting her life back together and providing for the two kids she was determined to keep safe and sound.
[/blockquote]
[/size]but I understand your sadness so
I guess I should just hold my tongue ,
*[/size] all about you - - - - - [/blockquote][/right]
[/size] hello, I'm shelle[/color]. I play noelle ryan[/color] and her playmate, mona grenier[/color]. I myself have seen fourteen[/color] summers and I plan to see a lot more, living the good life up in gmt-6[/color]. I've been in this part of town for three years[/color], so I know the area pretty well. oh! and did I mention that i am an admin [/color]told me about this island resort? she's a gorgeous thing. stalk me? well, my aim is ask me[/color], my msn's ohhmygodlaurenn@live.com[/color], and my email's pm please[/color], but, of course, you can always PM me. au revior !"[/size]
*
Of the approximate six and a half billion people in the world, one thing Noelle could not understand was why there was supposedly only one person in the world that was for a certain person. She did not understand how that was even possible. There should have been at least two people in the vast crowds of faces, but from what she had heard, this was not the case. Noelle was not sure whether she believed in soul mates at all and while she used to, in the last few years she had begun to think that just maybe, it was just a bunch of crap. Naïvety had played an important part in Noelle's life, sheltering her from the experiences that most kids her age had already enjoyed or knew well. She had never been an outgoing child, never one to take risks. She hated the darkness and she hated taking chances on a whim. Noelle had always played the safe route, doing what was best for her and not necessarily what she wanted to do. She had this thought where if she played every game and life by its rules, nothing bad would happen. It was rather unintelligent because obviously, her life could have been a lot less dramatic anyways, taking no risks or taking all the risks in the world. She just figured that this way, there would not be as much physical and emotional pain to deal with, but this wasn't correct either. She had felt shredded and exposed only two times in her life, and they had both been in the last three years. One had ended up being for the better, and one had changed her completely, not necessarily for the better.
Leaving was never something that Noelle was accustomed to. She did not care for change, and she sure as hell hated when people up and left without a word. Parting words were hard enough, but just leaving was certainly not an all right thing to do. Noelle picked aimlessly at the material of her pink ballet flats, staring at the blank wall that sat approximately seven feet in front of her. She heard the soft drum of raindrops on the roof of the small house but it didn't quite register in her mind. For the past month or so, she had been pretty absent-minded in everything she did. Nothing seemed to click as easily as it had before and while she figured she was just becoming stupid, she hadn't realized that possibly, she just didn't even care anymore. She was fine, just fine with everything that had been going on in her life. She had two amazing children, a great house that she managed to keep spotless except for the small problem of the barely noticeable stench that seemed to radiate from the rabbit that she had gotten. Her life was perfect, so why wasn't she satisfied? Unfortunately, while she was normally easy to please, she felt as if there was just a part of her that had gone missing lately, a part of her that she wanted back. She could search and search for it some more, but in the end she never would come across it. She would not stumble across a rock with the long-awaited answer to a burning question scrawled across the bottom of it, she would not get a note telling her where to go to recover the part of herself that she was missing. She had changed, and while she hated it, she had to accept it.
Lifting herself off of the leather couch, she walked quickly into the kitchen, trying to busy herself to pass the time. She had no idea how long she had been waiting, but putting clean dishes away, folding the miniscule amount of laundry she had, and cleaning around the house a bit seemed to take up the time that she hated to leave empty. The house was silent, and it was really rather odd when the fact that two three month-olds were sleeping in the next room over. She grabbed the iPod that sat in the stereo cabinet, slipping it into the dock and picking out the first song she came across. She really did not care what type of music it was or who it was by, just as long as it wasn't so damned quiet. She pressed play, turning the stereo down as low as possible but still loud enough so that she could hear the light strumming of guitar from the Phillips system. Noelle was never a calm person. No matter what she said, or how many times she would repeat it, there was nothing that could ever calm Noelle. She was always worrying, fidgeting, thinking about things that needed to be done to keep her house looking nice and in order. There were a million and one things that kept Noelle from being calm and as much as she wished there was never anything there, worrying and fidgeting and thinking had become part of her every day life and had become something she had learned to deal with, with the utmost amount of patience. However, Noelle was not a patient person, and the fact that Carver had still yet to appear had begun to worry her. She could have been fooled, she must have been tricked. It wasn't him, he was dead for God sakes. She cursed herself, shaking her head as she pressed the pause button on her iPod, ceasing the quiet music that had prevented the home from being completely silent. She shut off the lights and crawled into the large bed that occupied most of her room except for a small bathroom that was right off of the left corner of the bedroom. She was so stupid, so horrified by her foolishness. He wasn't coming, and as much as she wanted him to, he couldn't. She had been drawn in like a fly to a venus fly trap and the trap had shut on her. She curled up into a ball, not bothering to close her eyes, as she knew she would not be able to fall asleep by the end of the night. Instead, she looked straight ahead, letting her eyes adjust to the pitch black darkness that filled the room's every crevice.
To be completely honest, Noelle had not cried hardly at all. She had not cried when she had heard that Carver was dead and she had not cried when someone had thought it would be funny to impersonate him. Call her strong, or call her weak, it did not really matter to her in the long run. She was neither weak nor strong, sitting somewhere on the fine line between them, trying to find out who she was as a person and where she stood in life. She didn't cry now, either, even after the whole ordeal. She was so damned sick of the whole thing. She wanted to be able to sleep again, to be able to talk about things, to be able to do a million different things that this emotional wall was preventing her from actually doing. Her biggest downfall was herself and she couldn't overcome it. Barriers blocked the way out of her mind, keeping her forever trapped inside, keeping her forever miserable and numb. She wanted to spill her guts, to talk about everything that she hated about the world, about Blair, about herself. Still, she couldn't. She was too afraid, too afraid and scared that it just wasn't important enough for somebody to listen to. Even she believed that anybody who would take the time to listen to her complain really should have found something useful to do with their time. She was not an interesting person, she was not a happy person anymore. She was just there, taking up space and doing what she was supposed to do. It was fine, she was fine, everything was just so goddamned peachy. She curled her hands into fists, crossing her arms across her chest so that she would be unable to punch the wall, surely causing her kids to wake up, not to mention injuring her hand badly. Instead of crying, Noelle had resorted to changing her sadness into anger. She had it boiled up inside of her, ready to burst at any moment. She was not who she used to be, and this sort of did pose as a problem for those who she loved most. Her mother had realized the sudden change in her daughter, as did her father, who had been trying to play a bigger part in her life, as well as Harper and her friends. She hated the help they offered, it just made her angrier. She believed she was fine on her own, and she really wasn't.
Noelle shut her eyes, trying her hardest to keep any thoughts from invading her otherwise absent mind. She liked the way things were these days. She didn't have to think about big things all that much, because she simply just didn't care about much of anything anymore. She sighed, curling up tighter to keep warm under the propelling of the fan above her. She was so angry, so annoyed with everything that was happening in her life, and she was sick of it. She was just si- her eyes popped open. She had been on the brink of almost falling asleep, for the first time in four weeks. She heard another two knocks at the door and sat up on top of the duvet cover, carefully getting out of the large bed that always felt so strange and empty. She walked slowly to the front door, not bothering to look through the tiny peep hole that occupied only a fraction of the clean, white door. Instead, she simply pulled it open, letting go when she saw the person on the opposite side of it. Her breathing came short, her mouth became dry, her palms became sweaty. All the signs of being on the brink of a panic attack, and yet, at that moment, she became completely relieved and at ease. The sensation of taking a deep breath soon came back to her and while her body craved for a drink of water, she ignored it. "Long time no see."
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